I'm broadcasting from the BFA lab where I've just spoken with Michelle, Frankie and Nissa who all gave me great advice for our boards.
So today I wrestled with what to change and what not to change in staging and story beats and after a frightening few hours in which I changed almost everything, my conscience and fellow lovely group members brought me back down to Earth.
The consensus is that the beginning (Debra and her make up) and the door at the end are the main staging issues that need major changing. You can see my revised staging for Deb's make up screen below.
The Following suggestions were made:
- Instead of having Deb flip through several different faces, have her pick one face and fiddle with controls to modify it (eyebrows, lips etc) before deciding ultimately to get rid of the whole face.
- Have a shot between the new establishing shot (below) and the shot through the back of the holo-screen for clarity that Deb is sitting down to do her make up.
- Keep Jess's introduction a full body shot instead of changing it to her hiding and popping up.
- In the "Let me do your lips" frame, Make Jess shorter so that just her chin and hands reach above the console.
- Exaggerate Deb's monkey face more so that it really looks crazy and monkey-like
- In the "Jessica get our of my room!" shot, Jess should still be next to Deb at the console. This could be an upshot from behind Jessica as she looks up at her looming sister.
- Show Jess turn to leave
- Milk the emotion of Jess being neglected, have her turn back once toward her sister, give her a tear(s).
- Perhaps instead of Jess climbing up onto the console, she uses Deb's stool (which we'd have to establish in the first couple shots) which has an elevating function, to rise up to the screen sort of Darth Vader style.
- Having Jess pop through the hologram screen and make fun of Deb is hilarious, but ultimately it would lengthen things and would work better in a longer film.